Separation is a difficult phase in one’s life but, what is more difficult is a difficult ex-spouse. If the divorce was done with mutual consent amicably, it is possible that the moving-on phase is easy for both the parties involved. In fact, it becomes easy for the kids, if there are any, in such cases. But, if you had a difficult divorce, your estranged spouse can make your life hell.
Do you often face a situation where you ex-wife makes you feel that you are incompetent as a parent? Does she portray you as a bad dad in front of the kids? Do the kids hold you responsible for the financial issues that the house faces? Does your family go through difficult times because your wife freaks out all the while? Is she the kind that gives you a difficult time? Well, it is time you settle this issue permanently before getting involved in another relationship. The reason being your wife can give a difficult time to the new person in your life also. In fact remarrying and having kids is equal to inviting others to hell. There are ways to get out of this situation; you just need to be sure of it.
1. Accept Your Ex
It is easier said than done! But, the best way to deal with your ex-wife is to allow her to be as she is. If she is angry, don’t try to change it. It is possible that she blames you for the separation. In these circumstances, you cannot change her attitude. In fact don’t try to explain your decision or the circumstances. She is no mood or position to understand it. Let it be and accept it. It will be stressful but, when you start explaining it becomes even more stressful.
2. Set Healthy but Firm Boundaries
With a difficult ex-wife in question, it is imperative that you set healthy boundaries. It helps to settle down in life. The boundaries should be regarding your personal life, choices, kids, deadlines and appropriate behaviour to deal with each other. If these boundaries are not set, you wont be able to live your life. It is difficult to explain to your ex-wife the boundaries but, remember you have life beyond past. Without such healthy boundaries you will not be able to move on.
3. Respect Her Lifestyle
Even if you receive 1% positivity from your ex-wife’s side, appreciate it. She is not going to accept the changes overnight. She may even choose a different lifestyle. Some choices may make you uncomfortable. It is very normal but, don’t interfere too much. Your criticism or interference can cause more bitterness between the two of you. This might in turn cause more issues for you. The new relationship of being an ex should be cordial. Remember it is in the best interest of your kids and your future life.
4. Don’t Play Blame Game
Don’t get involved in a blame game. It no longer matters who was at fault and, why it all broke down to these levels. In fact start taking up your responsibility. If your ex-wife is adamant that she wishes to bully you and your family, let her do it. Don’t get bogged down by it at all. You need to find out what you need to do about this challenging relationship. Own your responsibilities; tell it to your ex-wife. Don’t play the victim. Letting her be is the only way out of the situation. Let time take care of her wounds.
5. The Past is Past
There is no point looking backwards and fighting over a dead deal. Your ex-wife’s wounds are still fresh and, she is hurt. She will constantly bring the past somehow. She will relate everything that is happening in the present to the past. A sensible discussion will somehow get dragged to the affairs of the past. If you entertain such discussions, you are actually allowing her to control the situation. Be firm with her that you do not wish to entertain discussions on the past. It is over for you. You don’t need to be harsh but you definitely need to be firm. This is in your best interests.
6. Intentions of Your Relationship
You need to figure out what is it exactly that you wish out of your current relationship with your ex-wife. Is it a cordial relationship that you wish for or you just wish for peaceful times post the separation? Whatever it is, communicate it perfectly to your ex-wife. Give her time to sort things out before indulging in further talks. Maybe she needs time to deal with herself before being cordial to her. Try not getting to friendly or showing interest in her affairs. This can be too dangerous especially if your ex-wife is being a little difficult to handle. It is a battle for her and if you lose your integrity at this moment it is not good for either of you.
7. Be Compassionate
She was your wife at some point in life and, you have shared some real good times together. For the sake of those times, try being a little compassionate about her! She is having difficulty coping with the changes in life. The reason for her being so difficult is that she does not know how to deal with the whole separation thing. You are right by being cordial but, don’t try to be harsh in the process.
8. Don’t Mix Present with Past
If you are seeing someone at the moment, avoid divulging the details to your ex-wife. In fact don’t get her into the scene just yet. It would create problems for the new person in your life as well as for you. Your ex-wife is just not ready to learn about you having moved on. This will just add on to the bitter feelings within her.
It is a real sad thing if you have to go through this situation. Remember patience is the key to get through this dark situation of life.